Your Place or Mine asks the question, “Can two friends talking on the phone with one another about nothing of value for the lion’s share of a nearly two-hour movie be entertaining in any way?” The answer is no, no, it cannot.

Your Place or Mine

Your Place or Mine follows Debbie Dunn, played by Reese Witherspoon (Legally Blonde), and Peter Coleman, played by Ashton Kutcher (best known for banging Demi Moore and Mila Kunis). The two have been best friends since their one and only hook-up together 20 years ago, and now they live on opposite coasts and talk with one another every day. The two haven’t seen each other in person in quite a while and are planning on meeting up when Debbie goes to New York (where he lives) so that she can finish up her accounting degree. But thanks to her “wacky” actress friend finally securing a part in a film, she no longer has a babysitter for that week. So, Peter flies to L.A. to watch her son.

Directed and written by Aline Brosh McKenna (The Devil Wears Prada), Your Place or Mine is a nightmare wrapped in a horse biscuit that’s been drowned in puppy tears. Movies are a visual medium, the basic rule of which is to “show don’t say,” but Your Place or Mine says “to hell with that” and is almost entirely exposition. When characters aren’t sitting and talking on the phone, they are standing and talking on the phone, or they’re in a car talking on the phone. There must be at least four different instances of someone announcing that Witherspoon’s character is smart and creative but too practical to make a go at her dreams. Did you know that Kutcher’s Coleman is an unhappy womanizer? No, well, you won’t have to wait long because someone is sure to have a conversation about it.

You’d think that a film that relies almost exclusively on conversations to move the narrative forward might have some interesting and snappy dialogue. Well, you’d be right. Check out these gems: “She calls you a rolling stone that gathers no moss,” “Are you aware there’s a guy and his buttcrack in your yard all the ding dong day,” or “It was dope.”

Is your mind blown? No? Well, let’s look at the characters then. Debbie wears denim, and Peter wants to be a writer. Move over Godfather. Your Place or Mine is the new big dog in town. Legitimately, there’s not a single interesting character in this artistic murder. Witherspoon and Kutcher’s characters are generally pleasant but otherwise devoid of personality. Steve Zahn (Saving Silverman) is completely wasted as a caricature of a Steve Zahn character. His New York counterpoint, Minka, played by Zoe Chao (don’t worry about it, you’ve never seen her in anything before), isn’t any better as the archetypical self-absorbed wealthy socialite but without the charisma. Think Megan Mullally’s Karen Walker, written by J.J. Abrams on the downward slope of a coke bender. Only Jimmy Kimmel’s nephew, Wesley, who plays Witherspoon’s son, Jack, shows an inkling of dimension, but it’s squashed by the miasma that is the rest of the film.

“But James,” you say. “This is a rom-com. It must be funny, right?” You know it. I don’t want to spoil too much, but there’s a recurring joke about how Peter…brace yourself…Peter organizes the books on his bookshelf by color. Oh, man! Wait, you want another example? There are so many to choose from. Let me think. Ok, Debbie’s neighbor Zen…let me catch my breath…Zen is quirky and wants to have sex with Debbie. I’ve got one more. Be prepared to shove your guts back in after I split your sides open. The two leads sit in one another’s respective bathtubs and talk with each other on the phone! Do you get it? They’re in the other person’s bathtub at the same time! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahahahAHAHAhahaaaaaaaaa! I think I just pi$$ed myself.

Plagued with third-rate dialogue, pacing that makes the dinner rush at an old folks home look like NASCAR, and a dull and useless plot, if I had to sum up Your Place or Mine in a single word, it would be forgettable. Watch something from our romance selections instead.

WOKE REPORT

Checkbox Filled

• There’s an obligatory lesbian best friend (who wasn’t even asked to babysit for some reason). The movie isn’t preachy about it, so not much here.

One Poonanny Two Poonanny Three Poonanny Four

• Hook-up culture is alive and well.

If this movie has any redeeming factors, it’s that it shows how important it is for a boy to grow up with a stong male father figure in his life.