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Jean-Claude Van Johnson

The Muscles from Brussels was always a secret agent! What did I just watch? Jean-Claude Van Johnson is what.
83/10013406
Starring
Jean-Claude Van Damme, Phylicia Rashad, Kat Foster, Moises Arias
Duration
6 episodes (30 min each)
Rating
TV-MA
Genre
Action, Adventure, Comedy
Release date
August 19, 2016
Where to watch
Amazon Prime
Overall Score
Rating Overview
Story/Plot/Script
Performance
Visuals/Cinematography
Direction
Non-Wokeness
Rating Summary
If you are under the age of 35 and only know JCVD from The Expendables, skip this series. However, I think that, if you are not an intentionally miserable Millenial and you enjoy movies like Soylent Green, you will really dig this series; not because the two are even remotely similar. I just think that it takes a person who can love the line, "you’re damn fine furniture," to truly appreciate this ridiculous, sometimes earnest, always strange streaming series. Oh, and Time Cops are a real thing.

Alright, I just binged the six-episode season 1 of Jean-Claude Van Johnson, and it is the most fun I’ve had watching something “new” in a long time. Is it dumb? Oh yeah. Can I tell if it’s as dumb as it thinks it is, or if it’s just plain old dumb? No…no I can’t. Can I tell if it’s actually brilliant? Yes, I can. It’s not. Am I ok with that? Absolutely.

Jean-Claude Van Johnson

If you don’t already know, Jean Claude Van Johnson is a 2016 Amazon Prime series set in an alternate reality in which Jean-Claude Van Damme has always been, not only Jean Claude Van Damme the actor but also a clandestine black-ops super spy whose 40+ year movie career was/is a cover for his true career and James Bond-like escapades. With a plot thinner than wet single-ply toilet paper, Jean-Claude Van Johnson is too weird and lacks enough complexity to warrant delving much deeper than that simple summary.

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The acting is believable within the context of the series’s reality…but that’s it. The show is neither too over the top nor too rooted in reality. “I kicked a piece of marble into his brain,” is a line delivered with utter sincerity while sitting in front of a barrel fire burning in the middle of an abandoned orphanage. Van Damme is way past his prime, and the camera has to make up for his lack of speed, but he is also in better shape than most men half his age and is still able to throw some decent-looking kicks, although his trademark splits are left to memorial statues and CGI.

The rest of the cast is solid, with Moises Arias turning in the only thing approaching a standout performance. Unfortunately, it doesn’t go anywhere, but it promises something special for future installments. As far as future installments are concerned, the next season is rumored to be set for an August 2023 release, putting Van Damme at the ripe old age of 63. If seasons continue to take 7 years to complete, season 3 will see JCVD fighting from a wheelchair, and I’ve got to be honest, I’d be down for that. The real question is, is the series stranger than reality? You be the judge.

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James Carrick

James Carrick is a passionate film enthusiast with a degree in theater and philosophy. James approaches dramatic criticism from a philosophic foundation grounded in aesthetics and ethics, offering insight and analysis that reveals layers of cinematic narrative with a touch of irreverence and a dash of snark.

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  1. Rick K. July 9, 2023 at

    Tried this one on a couple of years ago. While the first episode made me laugh out loud the second was such a letdown I dropped the show. I (apparently incorrectly) guessed the writers had used up their best material, a warning sign of upcoming wokeness. If it hasn’t been pulled I might give it another try.

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'See the Worth it or Woke score.' : 'See what sane critics say.'); var publicBaseText = 'Is ' + publicUpperTitle + ' Worth it or Woke?\n\n' + publicLineTwo + '\n\nFollow @worthitorwoke for more.'; // Public top-level X and Copy Link controls should not depend on AJAX image generation. // The share URL itself carries the OG/Twitter metadata; scrapers can generate/fetch the image from that URL. if ((platform === 'x' || platform === 'link') && publicShareUrl) { if (platform === 'link') { var copiedPublicLink = await wiowCopyShareText(publicShareUrl); var publicLabel = btn.querySelector('.wiow-share-btn__label'); var publicOriginalLabel = publicLabel ? publicLabel.textContent : ''; if (copiedPublicLink) { if (statusEl) statusEl.textContent = 'Link copied.'; if (publicLabel) { publicLabel.textContent = 'Copied!'; window.setTimeout(function(){ publicLabel.textContent = publicOriginalLabel || 'Copy link'; }, 1500); } } else { if (statusEl) statusEl.textContent = 'Could not copy link.'; } return; } openPopup('https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?text=' + encodeURIComponent(publicBaseText) + '&url=' + encodeURIComponent(publicShareUrl)); if (statusEl) statusEl.textContent = ''; return; } var built; var builtSquare = null; if (platform === 'copy') { // Build the landscape first so it chooses exactly one featured/gallery cycle image, // then pass that same image to the square builder. This prevents two square // outputs or mismatched gallery states in the Share Options window. built = await buildShareImage(row, { force:true }); builtSquare = await buildShareSquareImage(row, built.cycle_image_url || '', built.poster_url || '', { force:true }); if (!built || !built.image_url) { throw new Error('Landscape share build failed.'); } if (!builtSquare || !builtSquare.image_url) { throw new Error('Square share build failed.'); } } else { built = await buildShareImage(row); } var shareUrl = built.share_url; var postUrl = (row.getAttribute('data-post-url') || '').trim() || shareUrl; var postTitle = (row.getAttribute('data-post-title') || '').trim(); if (!postTitle) postTitle = 'this'; var shareKind = (row.getAttribute('data-share-kind') || 'critics').trim().toLowerCase(); var upperTitle = postTitle.toUpperCase(); var lineTwo = (shareKind === 'audience' || shareKind === 'audience-teaser' || shareKind === 'audience-question') ? 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