As the sun rose on her 13th birthday, Carmie Henley found herself suspended above her bed, a perplexing start to a day that would only grow stranger. It soon becomes clear that Carmie is no ordinary teenager; she’s a Blended, a fusion of human and vampire.

With her 16th birthday looming, Carmie faces a crucial decision: to fully align herself with either her human or vampire heritage or risk defaulting to full vampirism. The twist? If she chooses to become a vampire, not only will she gain all of the inherent powers and abilities, but she will forget everything from her life up until that moment.

PARENTAL NOTES

Vanilla Vampires

• I Woke Up A Vampire isn’t graphic, and what violence it does offer is very limited in both scope and scale. However, the underlying threat of kidnapping and death lingers throughout the season.
  • Vampires drink blood, and while it’s never shown, it is certainly repeatedly discussed.

WOKE REPORT

Pernicious

• At first blush, I Woke Up A Vampire seems innocuous enough. However, when taken as a whole, it’s clear that a woke agenda infests each episode for a cumulative effect.

Metaphor

• The entire premise of I Woke Up A Vampire is that some people aren’t born as just one thing but begin to experience a transition on their 13th birthday that they must explore for a few years before choosing what they are.
• The ideology is sprinkled throughout the dialogue:
  • “People can handle scary; it’s different, they can’t deal with.”
  • “They don’t want to know me because I’m different.”
  • “I have to be my true self, and I love my wolf-self.”
  • “Mom understands; she just wants me to be my true self.”
  • “She’s living free without human prejudice.”
  • “What kind of werewolf would you be, Kev? Would you brood in silence or howl at the moon?” “I never thought about it. I’m just Kev.”
    • You see, Kev doesn’t like labels. But still, this line isn’t sufficiently woke by itself, right? However, in the second or third episode, Kev wears a woman’s pearl necklace choker throughout. It’s never mentioned. No one looks at it askance. He just wears it like it’s a perfectly normal thing for a 13-year-old boy to do.
  • “I just want to be me” is a constant refrain and, we believe, in the case of this show, a dog whistle for being trans/gay.
    • The only ones who say it are either in the process of transitioning from humans to monsters or wearing the pearl-choker, like Kev.
• The white Van Helsing monster hunter is cold and efficient. He has no tolerance for creatures of the dark… that is, until he becomes friends with the diverse ladies from his new school. Then, he learns the important lesson that monsters (like blood-drinking vampires) are just people too.
• The tall blond white boy who’s supposed to be a fierce and fearless monster hunter has been costumed to look like a cartoon gay teen from the 90s. He has overly sculpted eyebrows and is covered in bangles, leather chokers, and broad leather belts worn askew.
  • The epitome of feminized masculinity.
• When talking about comics, the diverse 13-year-old female werewolf says that one “nails the struggles of the American civil rights movement in the 1960s.”
  • Again, because this show is a metaphor for not “hating what is different than you.”

Boys Go To Jupiter To Get More Stupider

• “Werewolf tropes are always so hyper-masculine. They either brood in silence or howl at the moon. Like, how many sad boys do I have to read about viciously attacking people instead of, ya know, going to therapy?”
  • i.e., masculinity  = attacking people = needs thearapy.

How Dare You

• Greta Thunberg is compared to Joan of Arc and called “an outsider who trailblazed new paths” and “someone to emulate.”