Pint-Sized ReviewsStreaming TVWoke

I Woke Up A Vampire

I Woke Up A Vampire is a queer-coded nightmare meant to groom your chldren and quietly normalize transgenderism
30/1005366
Rating
TV-Y7
Where to watch
Netflix
Release date
Oct. 17, 2023
Overall Score
Rating Overview
Story/Plot/Script
Visuals/Cinematography
Performance
Direction
Age Appropriate
Parent Appeal
Non-Wokeness
Rating Summary
The vampires aren't the only thing that sucks in I Woke Up A Vampire, it's a poorly acted, poorly written, insidious program that tries to subtly indoctrinate children into woke ideology. Unlike more in your face offerings, I Woke Up A Vampire chips away using the metaphor of "Blended" magical beings who aren't born as simply human but get to choose whether to be human or transition into powerful creatures who live in a mysterious world of wonder and magic.

As the sun rose on her 13th birthday, Carmie Henley found herself suspended above her bed, a perplexing start to a day that would only grow stranger. It soon becomes clear that Carmie is no ordinary teenager; she’s a Blended, a fusion of human and vampire.

With her 16th birthday looming, Carmie faces a crucial decision: to fully align herself with either her human or vampire heritage or risk defaulting to full vampirism. The twist? If she chooses to become a vampire, not only will she gain all of the inherent powers and abilities, but she will forget everything from her life up until that moment.

Parental Notes

PARENTAL NOTES

Important Information for Parents

Our Parental Notes flag the material parents may want to know about before pressing play, including profanity, blasphemy, adult content, extreme violence, frightening intensity, hyper-stimulating sequences, and other family-content concerns.

UNLOCK PARENTAL NOTES.Profanity, blasphemy, adult content, extreme violence, hyper-stimulating intensity, and more.
Woke Report

WOKE REPORT

You're Only Getting Half the Picture.

This section is our site's secret sauce, and what truly separates us from the rest. If you don't read it, you haven't read our review.

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James Carrick

James Carrick is a passionate film enthusiast with a degree in theater and philosophy. James approaches dramatic criticism from a philosophic foundation grounded in aesthetics and ethics, offering insight and analysis that reveals layers of cinematic narrative with a touch of irreverence and a dash of snark.

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'); targetWin.document.close(); } } return false; }; // Unified capture-phase share handler. Chrome incognito can allow the visual // pointer animation while another script prevents the later bubbling click // handler from ever running. Handle all top-level share buttons here first. document.addEventListener('click', async function(e){ var targetEl = e.target && e.target.nodeType === 1 ? e.target : (e.target && e.target.parentElement ? e.target.parentElement : null); var btn = targetEl && targetEl.closest ? targetEl.closest('.wiow-share-btn') : null; if (!btn) return; // Ignore the Audience modal "Rate" button (it also has wiow-share-btn class in your CSS usage) if (btn.hasAttribute('data-wiow-audience-open')) return; var row = btn.closest('[data-wiow-share="1"], .wiow-share-row'); if (!row) return; var platform = btn.getAttribute('data-platform'); // Public top-level controls must work even when AJAX generation or membership-gated data is unavailable. // Options still uses the full image-builder path below. if (platform === 'x' || platform === 'link') { e.preventDefault(); e.stopPropagation(); var quickStatus = row.querySelector('.wiow-share-status'); var quickUrl = btn.getAttribute('data-copy-url') || row.getAttribute('data-share-page') || row.getAttribute('data-post-url') || wiowShareFallbackUrl(row); if (!quickUrl) { if (quickStatus) quickStatus.textContent = 'No share URL available.'; return; } if (platform === 'x') { openPopup(btn.getAttribute('href') || btn.getAttribute('data-wiow-x-intent') || wiowShareXIntentUrl(row)); if (quickStatus) quickStatus.textContent = ''; return; } if (quickStatus) quickStatus.textContent = 'Copying link…'; var copiedQuick = await wiowCopyShareText(quickUrl); var quickLabel = btn.querySelector('.wiow-share-btn__label'); var quickOriginal = quickLabel ? quickLabel.textContent : 'Copy link'; if (copiedQuick) { if (quickStatus) quickStatus.textContent = 'Link copied.'; if (quickLabel) { quickLabel.textContent = 'Copied!'; window.setTimeout(function(){ quickLabel.textContent = quickOriginal || 'Copy link'; }, 1500); } } else { if (quickStatus) quickStatus.textContent = 'Could not copy link.'; } return; } e.preventDefault(); var previewWin = null; if (platform === 'copy') { previewWin = openShareOptionsWindow(); var preloadKind = (row.getAttribute('data-share-kind') || 'critics').trim().toLowerCase(); var preloadHeading = (preloadKind === 'audience' || preloadKind === 'audience-teaser' || preloadKind === 'audience-question') ? 'Audience share options' : ((preloadKind === 'ratings' || preloadKind === 'ratings-admin' || preloadKind === 'ratings-question') ? 'Ratings share options' : 'Critic share options'); renderShareOptionsLoadingWindow(previewWin, preloadHeading); } var statusEl = row.querySelector('.wiow-share-status'); if (statusEl) statusEl.textContent = (platform === 'link') ? 'Copying link…' : 'Preparing share…'; try { var publicShareUrl = wiowShareFallbackUrl(row); var publicPostTitle = (row.getAttribute('data-post-title') || '').trim(); if (!publicPostTitle) publicPostTitle = 'this'; var publicShareKind = (row.getAttribute('data-share-kind') || 'critics').trim().toLowerCase(); var publicUpperTitle = publicPostTitle.toUpperCase(); var publicLineTwo = (publicShareKind === 'audience' || publicShareKind === 'audience-teaser' || publicShareKind === 'audience-question') ? 'See what the audience is saying.' : ((publicShareKind === 'ratings' || publicShareKind === 'ratings-admin' || publicShareKind === 'ratings-question') ? 'See the Worth it or Woke score.' : 'See what sane critics say.'); var publicBaseText = 'Is ' + publicUpperTitle + ' Worth it or Woke?\n\n' + publicLineTwo + '\n\nFollow @worthitorwoke for more.'; // Public top-level X and Copy Link controls should not depend on AJAX image generation. // The share URL itself carries the OG/Twitter metadata; scrapers can generate/fetch the image from that URL. if ((platform === 'x' || platform === 'link') && publicShareUrl) { if (platform === 'link') { var copiedPublicLink = await wiowCopyShareText(publicShareUrl); var publicLabel = btn.querySelector('.wiow-share-btn__label'); var publicOriginalLabel = publicLabel ? publicLabel.textContent : ''; if (copiedPublicLink) { if (statusEl) statusEl.textContent = 'Link copied.'; if (publicLabel) { publicLabel.textContent = 'Copied!'; window.setTimeout(function(){ publicLabel.textContent = publicOriginalLabel || 'Copy link'; }, 1500); } } else { if (statusEl) statusEl.textContent = 'Could not copy link.'; } return; } openPopup('https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?text=' + encodeURIComponent(publicBaseText) + '&url=' + encodeURIComponent(publicShareUrl)); if (statusEl) statusEl.textContent = ''; return; } var built; var builtSquare = null; if (platform === 'copy') { // Build the landscape first so it chooses exactly one featured/gallery cycle image, // then pass that same image to the square builder. This prevents two square // outputs or mismatched gallery states in the Share Options window. built = await buildShareImage(row, { force:true }); builtSquare = await buildShareSquareImage(row, built.cycle_image_url || '', built.poster_url || '', { force:true }); if (!built || !built.image_url) { throw new Error('Landscape share build failed.'); } if (!builtSquare || !builtSquare.image_url) { throw new Error('Square share build failed.'); } } else { built = await buildShareImage(row); } var shareUrl = built.share_url; var postUrl = (row.getAttribute('data-post-url') || '').trim() || shareUrl; var postTitle = (row.getAttribute('data-post-title') || '').trim(); if (!postTitle) postTitle = 'this'; var shareKind = (row.getAttribute('data-share-kind') || 'critics').trim().toLowerCase(); var upperTitle = postTitle.toUpperCase(); var lineTwo = (shareKind === 'audience' || shareKind === 'audience-teaser' || shareKind === 'audience-question') ? 'See what the audience is saying.' : ((shareKind === 'ratings' || shareKind === 'ratings-admin' || shareKind === 'ratings-question') ? 'See the Worth it or Woke score.' : 'See what sane critics say.'); var baseText = 'Is ' + upperTitle + ' Worth it or Woke?\n\n' + lineTwo + '\n\nFollow @worthitorwoke for more.'; var textWithUrl = baseText + '\n\n' + shareUrl; var postTextWithUrl = baseText + '\n\n' + postUrl; var encodedUrl = encodeURIComponent(shareUrl); var encodedBaseText = encodeURIComponent(baseText); var encodedTextWithUrl = encodeURIComponent(textWithUrl); if (platform === 'link') { var copiedLink = await wiowCopyShareText(shareUrl); var label = btn.querySelector('.wiow-share-btn__label'); var originalLabel = label ? label.textContent : ''; if (copiedLink) { if (statusEl) statusEl.textContent = 'Link copied.'; if (label) { label.textContent = 'Copied!'; window.setTimeout(function(){ label.textContent = originalLabel || 'Copy link'; }, 1500); } } else { if (statusEl) statusEl.textContent = 'Could not copy link.'; } return; } if (platform === 'x'){ // X gets the URL through the intent URL parameter, so do not also duplicate it in the tweet text. openPopup('https://twitter.com/intent/tweet?text=' + encodedBaseText + '&url=' + encodedUrl); } else if (platform === 'facebook'){ // Facebook sharing has been intentionally removed from this plugin flow. if (statusEl) statusEl.textContent = 'Facebook sharing is currently disabled.'; } else if (platform === 'copy'){ var heading = (shareKind === 'audience' || shareKind === 'audience-teaser' || shareKind === 'audience-question') ? 'Audience share options' : ((shareKind === 'ratings' || shareKind === 'ratings-admin' || shareKind === 'ratings-question') ? 'Ratings share options' : 'Critic share options'); window.__wiowLastShareOptionsContext = { row: row, heading: heading, win: previewWin }; var shown = renderShareOptionsWindow(previewWin, built.image_url, (builtSquare ? builtSquare.image_url : ''), shareUrl, heading); if (!shown) { var copied = false; if (navigator.clipboard && window.isSecureContext && navigator.clipboard.writeText){ try { await navigator.clipboard.writeText(shareUrl); copied = true; } catch (copyErr) {} } if (!copied) { var ta = document.createElement('textarea'); ta.value = shareUrl; ta.setAttribute('readonly', 'readonly'); ta.style.position = 'fixed'; ta.style.opacity = '0'; document.body.appendChild(ta); ta.focus(); ta.select(); ta.setSelectionRange(0, ta.value.length); copied = !!document.execCommand('copy'); ta.remove(); } } } if (statusEl) statusEl.textContent = (platform === 'copy') ? 'Ready.' : ''; } catch(err){ if (previewWin && !previewWin.closed) { previewWin.close(); } if (statusEl) statusEl.textContent = (err && err.message) ? err.message : 'Could not share.'; } }, true); })();