In Guy Ritchie’s Fountain of Youth (2025), estranged siblings Luke Purdue (John Krasinski) and Charlotte Purdue (Natalie Portman) hunt the mythical Fountain of Youth, following clues in historic paintings across Bangkok, Vienna, and Giza’s Great Pyramid. Funded by tycoon Owen Carver (Domhnall Gleeson), they face pursuit by Interpol inspector Jamal Abbas (Arian Moayed) and Esme (Eiza González), a member of the Protectors of the Path. The siblings navigate chases, betrayals, and a secret passage, uncovering the Fountain’s dark cost.

Fountain of Youth Review

Once in a generation, a film comes along that is so boring despite itself that it makes listening to that old guy at church who never stops talking while saying nothing and shaking your hand for what feels like an eternity feel like you’re talking to an auctioneer.

How Guy Ritchie, of all people, could have produced such a low-energy adventure is shocking. Let’s be honest, he can be a little hit and miss, might not get it right every time, but punchy action and vibrant pacing have always been his hallmarks. After only a few minutes of Fountain of Youth, it becomes pretty clear that John Krasinski, Natalie Portman, and he are there to do little more than collect paychecks.

Along with its phoned-in performances and snail’s pace, Fountain of Youth suffers from the kind of third-rate contrivance-riddled and clichéd-filled muck that writer James Vanderbilt, author of Independence Day: Resurgence and Scream (2022), is quickly making a name for himself puking out.

Fountain of Youth offers nothing new, nothing creative, and nothing worth watching. Certainly, it’s not worth using up Apple TV’s current 7-Day Free Trial.

WOKE REPORT

White Boy Math

• The proportion of women, minority performers, and negatively portrayed white males is equally proportionate to the benevolence, competence, and size of the role of any straight white male protagonists.
  • John Krasinski’s character is intelligent, resourceful, and generally well-meaning. Therefore, he is one of the only two white adult males who isn’t evil, and one of them is questionable and appears in the film for only about three minutes.
  • Even Portman is one of the only white women with a speaking role in the entire film.

Queen Girl Boss of The Mary Sues

• Eiaz Gonzáles’s character is the archetypal girl boss. She’s a snarky 90 lb stick figure with a bad attitude who never met a stuntman who wasn’t willing to accommodate her. While she’s in the film throughout, her screen time is relatively limited.

Natalie Portman

• She and Krasinski play siblings, and while they banter back and forth, hers is almost always an insult or putdown. She mostly nags him throughout the film. Just a shrill modern woman.

With Their Bank Accounts Combined, They Are Captain Hypocrite

• The combined net worth of the film’s director and two stars is almost $300 million, but that doesn’t stop them from occasionally getting preachy about generating wealth. And, of course,
  Spoiler

  the billionaire is portrayed as a ruthless liar and villain.