Insufferable characters, selfish nonsensical motivations, and a plot you wouldn't let operate a Waterpik for fear it'd hurt itself, Ironheart is the rain-soaked dross baked onto the bottom of an August hippie-concert's trashcan.

When I was growing up riri was short for retarded, and no character has ever been more aptly named. Riri Williams is an entitled narcissist who's had every advantage handed to her, including a full ride to MIT, a specially tailored curriculum there just for her, and what must have been a multimillion-dollar grant to complete her knockoff Iron Man suit. But that's not good enough for Riri. No, she deserves more because she does.

Nothing better sets the tone for this program than the repeated assertions that Riri is superior to Tony Stark in every way, save for his bank account. Yet, after four years of utilizing both the resources of MIT and a massive grant to build her super suit, she still hasn't completed it.

The first runner-up tone-setting nonsense is that the show centers around AOC's wet dream of intersectional inner city victims who all use their near meta-human skills and specialities, not to improve the lives of the dissenfranchised, or even to build a better life for themselves legitimately, but instead to murder and brutalize hordes of working class security guards as they steal from those who they refere to as "rich white @$$h*l3s." These modern-day Robinhoods don't even want the rich whities to change anything about their business practices. Heck, at least one of them is trying to solve world hunger. Instead, they extort each of them with the threat of violence into giving the gang stock options.

Did David Duke's retarded, more racist cousin write this? Seriously, it's 90 minutes of inner city black and brown people stealing, breaking and entering, and shooting people! How am I the racist, again?

With two-thirds of them responsible for the cinematic sludge that was She-Hulk: Attorney at Law, Ironheart's trio of writers must have the combined IQ of teenage t-zone grease. Nothing, and I mean nothing, makes any sense in this program. Riri wants to be a billionaire so that she can complete a suit that she has had all the resources and time in the world to build. In addition to MIT's facilities, she has had access to Wakandan technology, their fabrication facilities, and a lot of Wakandan goodwill (between this show and Wakanda Forever). However, she can't quite reach the finish line or ask Shuri for help... or a loan?

She creates borderline magic solar panels to power her suit (yes, it's solar and wind-powered), which, according to my conversation with ChatGPT, would have to be more than 32,000% efficient to maintain her tiny suit's flight from Los Angeles to Sandiego at Cessna cruising speeds (120 mph). She's even capable of creating a fully functioning AI superbeing on her laptop WHILE IN HER SLEEP in only four hours, but she can't figure out how to make money without ripping people off? Elon Musk would hand over his entire fortune and his left nut to buy the solar panel tech alone.

If a single character were likeable in any way, even if they were the type that you love to hate, one might be able to look past the absurd writing, though probably not. Fortunately, that's not a problem because everyone is loathsome or cringeworthy, and most are both.

Ironheart has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. The costume design and makeup are horrible. The sets are bad. The locales are stupid (the HQ of the primary villain, a devoté to Mephisto—you know, Marvel's de facto answer to Satan [I know that he's not Satan, that's why I said "de facto," nerds] is in a pizza shop basement). The effects are mediocre. The technobabble is mostly just babble. The performances are a mixture of sleepy and plain bad. The dialogue is the worst. The internal logic is nonexistent.

Often, when shows are really bad, I've been known to create drinking games for folks to play while watching. However, for this show, I was worried that I'd be sued by everyone who went blind from playing it.

If you haven't yet gotten the point, then you'll probably love Ironheart.

It's all bad. So bad. So very bad. It's all of the bad.

The performances are garbage. The writing is garbage. The direction is garbage. The ideas are garbage. The internal logic is bacon-eating Spock garbage. The characters are garbage.

Ironheart is legitimately one of the top five worst programs I've ever punished my brain with.