What happens when a bunch of highly trained assassins with overlapping agendas end up riding on the same high-speed train to Kyoto? I’ll tell you what…a lot of bloody fun called Bullet Train, that’s what.

From the director of Hobbs & Shaw, Deadpool 2, and John Wick, David Leitch’s Bullet Train is an ensemble action flick with 2022 style and 1980s sensibilities. It’s not interested in deep stories with “important” messages; instead, it gives you a fun premise, characters that you like despite themselves, and action that sets you to cheering. If there is a message being preached, it’s “don’t become a highly trained assassin, and if you do, don’t fill in for an @$$hole assassin (i.e., an assassin that is an @$$hole, not one of The Sisters from Shawshank) when he calls in sick.” Words to live by.

Bullet Train

Without trying to spoil anything, Bullet Train’s story revolves around a silver briefcase, its contents, its destination, and all of those who would like to possess it, as well as those who would like to possess those who may possess it. The head of the Yakuza and rightful owner of the case’s contents ($10 million) has hired a well-known and deadly duo to safely ferry both his son and the case from Tokyo to Kyoto via the Bullet Train.

Unbeknownst to the pair, another unnamed organization has gotten wind of the case and has sent Ladybug, played by Brad Pitt (Once Upon A Time…in Hollywood, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, Fight Club), to steal it. Begin one of the most violent comedies of errors that you’ve ever seen.

Ladybug is a veteran “snatch and grab man” (read: spy/thief) who’s been semi-retired for a short time while searching for a new, more peaceful path in life. It was his hope that this would turn his chronic bad luck around, thereby reducing his anxiety. However, luck, or fate, has other ideas for him.

Few actors today can play breezy and likable like Pitt, and even fewer scripts would write a straight white male character who embodies those traits, let alone a character who is also competent and capable of handing out an @$$whooping. Ladybug is almost casually bad@$$, feeling bad for his enemies because he’s unable to stop himself from deflecting their death blows, and he hates that he was the cause of their failure.

That’s not to say that Ladybug is an unstoppable Marty Sue. In fact, he’s deeply flawed and regularly feels the need to call his handler, Maria, played by Sandra Bullock, so that she can help him clear his head and stay focused on the task at hand. He also takes his share of lumps throughout the film, mostly at the hands of The Twins.

Respectively played by Aaron Taylor-Johnson (Avengers: Age of Ultron, The Kingsman, Kick-Ass 1&2) and Brian Tyree Henry (Godzilla vs. Kong, Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse), the assassins/bodyguards, Tangerine and Lemon, whose job it is to protect and deliver the Yakuza leader’s son and cash, steal the show.

They are two brothers (thought to be twins by those who are not in the know) with very different temperaments but who love one another deeply. We don’t find out that the two are brothers for some time, and due to the fact that they are of different races, it’s not a supposition to which many would immediately leap. In fact, given the current state of affairs, I found myself assuming that the bickering couple would end up being lovers. However, in one of many refreshing artistic choices, the film opts to show that two men can love one another without being romantically involved.

Aaron’s Tangerine is so much damn fun that it’s criminal that Johnson isn’t starring in more movies. There’s an old musical/film titled A Chorus Line that is about a Broadway dancer who is just past her prime and is now auditioning for a role in a Broadway musical’s chorus line. However, the instincts that once took her to stardom are now a hindrance because she intuitively adds tiny flourishes that would work for a lead but are a distraction for those meant to blend into the background.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not implying Aaron is past his prime. I am saying that he’s a show pony who can’t help but draw focus to himself. He’s completely invested in the character and, with a dozen little flourishes, manages to elevate what should be a 1-dimensional character to 2.5.

“Why not 3D,” you ask. Let us not forget that Bullet Train is a movie where kung-fu sword masters, middle-aged American assassins, and teenage Caucasian kawaii fight on a speeding train, dodging venomous snakes and knife-wielding cholos. So, let’s be happy that he elevates the material as much as he does.

That being said, there are moments when Tangerine is thinking about his brother that, in another movie, would bring you to tears. Forget restoring the Snyderverse. Let’s start a Put-Aaron-Taylor-Johnson-In-more-movies movement (#PATJIMM).

Tangerine’s brother and counterpart, played by Brian Tyree Henry, could have easily been an obnoxious twit with a silly obsession with Thomas the Train. Throughout the movie, he regularly relates situations and people to the children’s show, so much so that I was getting PTSD flashbacks to 1993’s Airborne. It’s a ridiculous movie, the only true purpose of which was to sell rollerblades. In it, the protagonist is an insipid California surfer-dude who uses surf analogies like Nick Cannon uses women’s wombs, often, and then leaves others to deal with it. However, in Bullet Train, Henry plays Lemon with such innocence and easy charm that you can’t help but root for him…despite the fact that he’s a cold-blooded killer.

WOKE REPORT

You're Only Getting Half the Picture.

This section is our site's secret sauce, and what truly separates us from the rest. If you don't read it, you haven't read our review.

Have the filmmakers chosenradical progressive messaging over story?

Unlock the insightsthat could change your viewing experience and protect your family.

Try it for just $1!Unlock nowAlready a member?Log in here →

Help us fight the Woke Mind Virus. Join today.