Many men have tried to recapture the testosterone-churning thrills of 1987's classic sci-fi, action, adventure, Predator, and none have come close—most have failed. Then, three short years ago, a man now credited with reviving this stalled franchise brought us one of the dumbest and most overhyped entries in the series... until now. If you thought that Dan Trachtenberg's direct-to-streaming Prey was ridiculous crap, just wait until you've seen the two-hour video cutscene that is Predator: Badlands.

Badlands is like watching a toddler smashing together one random toy from his toy box after another —only, instead of toys, it is clichés, tropes, and tones, and instead of a child, it's a talentless hack who just wasted $105 million of Disney's money and two hours of your life.

Let's take an alien from a millennia-old, fierce, and proud tribal culture and smash him together with daddy issues and sibling rivalry. Know what would be cool in this film about a predator species on the hunt for vengeance and redemption? If we strapped a Buddy the Elf robot to the back of a testicle-shaped Predator with short-guy syndrome, C-3PO-style, but let's make the robot a girl. And let's have her spend her first 30 minutes on screen describing what the audience is currently looking at and remarking on how "cool" it is. Know what'd be neat? After the cold-hearted warrior's heart begins to melt under the saccharine onslaught from his cybernetic companion, we should do a wacky disembodied-robot-legs gag and give the robot legs their own personality, independent of the torso. Then we should give the fembot a generic, inexplicably evil twin sister. Can robots have sisters? Shut up. I just realized what we're missing, a merchandising opportunity...er...I mean, a delightful cartoon-animal sidekick who spits on you when she likes you. You know, like comedy and stuff. Brilliant!

With that kind of creative genius driving this short bus, it's no wonder that Elle Fanning gives a performance so obnoxious as Thia that we owe Jar Jar an apology, and so bland as Tessa, soda bread would have been more nuanced.

What about the visuals? Uninspired and cheap, but framed well. Director Dan Trachtenberg may never have had an original thought before, but he's watched enough from those who have to know how to compose a shot. So, every scene may look like it's out of a video game, but it's a pretty video game.

The first standalone movie in the franchise with a PG-13 rating, Predator: Badlands, has been shockingly Disneyfied. It's so childish and silly that the half-full theater in which I saw it was filled with actual, honest-to-goodness giggles from the women in the audience throughout the film. It's yet another classic IP ruined by modern filmmakers' total ineptitude and record-low testosterone levels.

*DISCLAIMER: Do NOT see this in 3D. That was the only option available to me for the time slot I could view it in. And it looked horrible. It's possible it looks just as horrible in 2D, but I can guarantee there's not a single frame that doesn't look like a video game cutscene in 3D. DO NOT WASTE THE MONEY.